To quote my favorite movie, “I know drug real from real real!”
It’s incredibly difficult to sift through the things that come from what seems almost like an outside source and the thoughts that are truly, genuinely mine when I’m being effected by my Depression or feeling anxious, but I have a lot of practice at it.
When these thoughts, which I have not been confronted with consistently for almost 5 years, began to surface again I knew that it was a side effect of the medication and not me slipping down into a spiral.
I didn’t panic, I didn’t act on them. I went to the doctor, I told her what was happening, and I’m trying something else.
It would be easy to just swear off anti-depressants entirely, but like a diabetic trying to control their illness through diet alone, I know that sometimes I have to accept that I have a chemical problem that can require a chemical solution.
That said, if you’re having suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. You’re not alone. I’ve been there and if I had gone through with it when I had a date and a plan, I would have missed all the best things in my life. You are loved. You are worth it.