There were days in February where I was a blank. Where my notes read things like “I worked. I can’t remember anything else.”
Since it was grief at losing my Mother that had me so disconnected, I decided to write about my memories of her on those days.
The biggest disagreement we ever had was whether I should marry my ex-wife or not and I don’t think that if Mom had lived to 100 she would have ever forgiven her for the way that ended up falling apart.
Being okay with us possibly never speaking and feeling a sense of loss are not mutually exclusive. The hard disconnect between how I lived from 17-34 and who I am today is something I still struggle with, no matter how much healthier I am today.
Group therapy can teach you so much about yourself in the things you learn about someone else. Also, a few people out there definitely had to die in my brain before I could start over with them. That doesn’t mean we’re ever going to be close again, but they are fully not what they were before. And that’s a good thing.
In June of 2014, I had what was not my first and certainly not my last suicidal period. Things were incredibly difficult, but with some help, I made it through. If you need help, it’s out there. Please, go find it. And if you can’t (and you know how to reach me), you can ask me and I’ll find it for you.