Friday, July 31st, 2020.
Thursday, July 31st, 2014.
My (fairly justified) separation anxiety has given me coping mechanisms that sometimes make me worry that I’m a little too good at letting go of people when I need to.
What if it isn’t that I can put up the walls when I need to, but that I just can’t connect at all?
I used to win arguments (or at least make them stop) by spiraling. Oh, you thought I was bad for saying this? Well, I hate myself for saying it. Oh, you think I’m a bad husband/boyfriend/friend for doing that? Well, I think I’m an irredeemable piece of human garbage for doing it.
During a day filled with reminders that my current relationships are nothing like my former relationships (including overhearing a woman talk about emotionally abusing her boyfriend while we were at dinner), it’s hard not to engage in unhealthy behavior after having lived the life I have.
I have a tendency to put the people I care most about up on a pedestal. Right now it can be incredibly tempting to do this with my partner. But I know that will just drive a wedge between us.
So I struggle to continue to be present, honest, and engaged.