I guess it’s clear that I’m dating again.
The physical transformation I’ve undergone, going from over three hundred pounds to just a little over two hundred, has been nothing next to the changes I’ve made to my very identity.
I rewrote everything so completely that I’m still filling in the gaps in my new backstory. I’m still finding missing pieces that need their narratives attached or discarded.
This hasn’t been a result of a loss, but of a gaining of identity. A return to the true north that had been hiding in me since childhood.
The internet was a place that I could begin this process in a relatively safe way. I could be a version of myself I felt comfortable letting the world see.
The fact that the “internet Jesse” was probably even more fucked up than the “real Jesse” is telling, but that’s a subject for another day.
To quote my favorite movie, “I know drug real from real real!”
It’s incredibly difficult to sift through the things that come from what seems almost like an outside source and the thoughts that are truly, genuinely mine when I’m being effected by my Depression or feeling anxious, but I have a lot of practice at it.
When these thoughts, which I have not been confronted with consistently for almost 5 years, began to surface again I knew that it was a side effect of the medication and not me slipping down into a spiral.
I didn’t panic, I didn’t act on them. I went to the doctor, I told her what was happening, and I’m trying something else.
It would be easy to just swear off anti-depressants entirely, but like a diabetic trying to control their illness through diet alone, I know that sometimes I have to accept that I have a chemical problem that can require a chemical solution.
That said, if you’re having suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. You’re not alone. I’ve been there and if I had gone through with it when I had a date and a plan, I would have missed all the best things in my life. You are loved. You are worth it.
A Survivor’s Story
Warning: This comic contains content that may be considered graphic or unsettling.
This is the story of how I was molested as a child and what events in my adult life led me to realize that I had to deal with this to be healthy. Fellow survivors and those who are sensitive to this type of material may be triggered by the story that follows. While this comic has always been considered mature content, this entry should be considered especially so.
If you are a survivor, you are not alone.
This was the lesson I had to learn. Once life had put me on a path where I could no longer ignore what had happened to me, I didn’t have any choice but to face this. While in many ways I faced it alone, I found resources and groups that showed me that I wasn’t alone and that I was going to be okay.
I don’t know your story, but I know that you aren’t alone and you will be okay, too.