It is so easy for the brain to focus on what you do not have rather than what you do.
Especially when it’s addled by fevers the likes of which I can’t remember having since I was a kid and some pretty serious medication once I finally went to a real doctor (thanks for nothing, Zoom Care!).
You’re allowed to resist the urge to make jokes here. Really, I promise.
This dream became strangely prophetic as it turns out that whatever illness I may have originally had, this particular set of problems was caused by an abscess.
Am I in tune with my body or have dream, reality, and my work mingled somehow? Does it matter?
The line between having self-awareness and a willingness to question your own motives and just being crippled by obsessive self-doubt is a fine one.
I can be rather … intense.
It means connections come quickly and strongly, it means I am always passionate and driven, but it isn’t without complications.
I’m not saying this is a positive or that it is a negative, it’s just something that I’m aware of. Something that I think about.
And thus, something that I write about.
Today, Robin Williams committed suicide.
When I heard the news, I hid from my coworkers in a bathroom stall and cried for twenty minutes, feeling the weight of my struggles with Depression and suicidal thoughts, dating back to my teenage years. I thought about how hard I’ve fought to make my progress, to turn my life into something that I’m happy living in, and I thought about how that battle is never going to end for as long as I live.
Every day can be an uphill climb just to function. There are times when simple, menial tasks seem impossible.
I can tell you inspirational stories from my life and the lives of those around me about the beauty inherent in that fight to stay alive, but today I think it’s best to just let us all feel how sad we are to see someone succumb to their struggle, how hard things can be, and how we should love and support each other when and wherever we can.
To quote my favorite movie, “I know drug real from real real!”
It’s incredibly difficult to sift through the things that come from what seems almost like an outside source and the thoughts that are truly, genuinely mine when I’m being effected by my Depression or feeling anxious, but I have a lot of practice at it.
When these thoughts, which I have not been confronted with consistently for almost 5 years, began to surface again I knew that it was a side effect of the medication and not me slipping down into a spiral.
I didn’t panic, I didn’t act on them. I went to the doctor, I told her what was happening, and I’m trying something else.
It would be easy to just swear off anti-depressants entirely, but like a diabetic trying to control their illness through diet alone, I know that sometimes I have to accept that I have a chemical problem that can require a chemical solution.
That said, if you’re having suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. You’re not alone. I’ve been there and if I had gone through with it when I had a date and a plan, I would have missed all the best things in my life. You are loved. You are worth it.
This is the story of how I was molested as a child and what events in my adult life led me to realize that I had to deal with this to be healthy. Fellow survivors and those who are sensitive to this type of material may be triggered by the story that follows. While this comic has always been considered mature content, this entry should be considered especially so.
If you are a survivor, you are not alone.
This was the lesson I had to learn. Once life had put me on a path where I could no longer ignore what had happened to me, I didn’t have any choice but to face this. While in many ways I faced it alone, I found resources and groups that showed me that I wasn’t alone and that I was going to be okay.
I don’t know your story, but I know that you aren’t alone and you will be okay, too.
There are no worse lies than the ones we tell ourselves. Thankfully, the clarity I felt in that water stayed with me as I went back into civilization and faced some hard truths.