There are several narratives that I need to stop replaying in my life. This is one of them.
September 3rd, 2014
Tag Archives: hopeful
September 1st, 2014
I am occasionally confronted by the idea that the only reason that anyone even knows how I used to be is because I tell them. Maybe I should be focusing on enjoying who I am now instead of being so obsessed with proving how much I’ve changed?
August 31st, 2014
On the one hand, this feels like an epiphany and on the other it seems like common sense.
August 26th, 2014
It is so easy for the brain to focus on what you do not have rather than what you do.
Especially when it’s addled by fevers the likes of which I can’t remember having since I was a kid and some pretty serious medication once I finally went to a real doctor (thanks for nothing, Zoom Care!).
The Squiggly Heart on My Sleeve
I have told one hundred versions of the story of this tattoo and this is the one I decided to put on paper.
If there seem to be punchlines here that you don’t quite understand, then it’s because you don’t get the Peanuts references that are peppered throughout these four pages. The solution to this, of course, is to go read Peanuts comics until all of this makes sense to you.
Of course, I think the solution to most of life’s problems is to read more Peanuts comics.
If … anyone thinks I’ve referenced too heavily and need to change anything for legal reasons, just shoot me a message. Especially if you’re big, scary lawyers. I love Schulz and his work with all of my heart.
August 19th, 2014
My moods can go up and down from one day to the next, but I keep on going. You can, too.
August 2nd, 2014
I don’t really feel like there’s anything I can add to this, so … yeah.
August 1st, 2014
The physical transformation I’ve undergone, going from over three hundred pounds to just a little over two hundred, has been nothing next to the changes I’ve made to my very identity.
I rewrote everything so completely that I’m still filling in the gaps in my new backstory. I’m still finding missing pieces that need their narratives attached or discarded.
This hasn’t been a result of a loss, but of a gaining of identity. A return to the true north that had been hiding in me since childhood.
The internet was a place that I could begin this process in a relatively safe way. I could be a version of myself I felt comfortable letting the world see.
The fact that the “internet Jesse” was probably even more fucked up than the “real Jesse” is telling, but that’s a subject for another day.
July 28th, 2014
To quote my favorite movie, “I know drug real from real real!”
It’s incredibly difficult to sift through the things that come from what seems almost like an outside source and the thoughts that are truly, genuinely mine when I’m being effected by my Depression or feeling anxious, but I have a lot of practice at it.
When these thoughts, which I have not been confronted with consistently for almost 5 years, began to surface again I knew that it was a side effect of the medication and not me slipping down into a spiral.
I didn’t panic, I didn’t act on them. I went to the doctor, I told her what was happening, and I’m trying something else.
It would be easy to just swear off anti-depressants entirely, but like a diabetic trying to control their illness through diet alone, I know that sometimes I have to accept that I have a chemical problem that can require a chemical solution.
That said, if you’re having suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. You’re not alone. I’ve been there and if I had gone through with it when I had a date and a plan, I would have missed all the best things in my life. You are loved. You are worth it.
A Survivor’s Story
A Survivor’s Story
Warning: This comic contains content that may be considered graphic or unsettling.
This is the story of how I was molested as a child and what events in my adult life led me to realize that I had to deal with this to be healthy. Fellow survivors and those who are sensitive to this type of material may be triggered by the story that follows. While this comic has always been considered mature content, this entry should be considered especially so.
If you are a survivor, you are not alone.
This was the lesson I had to learn. Once life had put me on a path where I could no longer ignore what had happened to me, I didn’t have any choice but to face this. While in many ways I faced it alone, I found resources and groups that showed me that I wasn’t alone and that I was going to be okay.
I don’t know your story, but I know that you aren’t alone and you will be okay, too.