July 15th, 2015
Tag Archives: depression
July 14th, 2015
This is a metaphor.
July 5th, 2015
During a day filled with reminders that my current relationships are nothing like my former relationships (including overhearing a woman talk about emotionally abusing her boyfriend while we were at dinner), it’s hard not to engage in unhealthy behavior after having lived the life I have.
I have a tendency to put the people I care most about up on a pedestal. Right now it can be incredibly tempting to do this with my partner. But I know that will just drive a wedge between us.
So I struggle to continue to be present, honest, and engaged.
She’s worth the struggle.
May 22nd, 2015
Depression is often paralyzing. Like today.
March 26th, 2015
A conversation with a friend today (forgive the typo):
He was right.
March 10th, 2015
I haven’t looked into legal action (and don’t intend to), but the very idea that someone would stand up and say, “This happened. It wasn’t right,” still makes me burst into tears.
February 25th, 2015
Spoiler: It was paranoia.
February 12th, 2015
Stupid Seedlings
Today during my commute to work I saw a row of seedlings growing in the crack between the car in front of me’s back window and its trunk.
Over the next few seconds, I had several reactions:
1) Ew. You are gross. Clean your car.
(the irony of me saying this while piloting Nora is not lost on me)
3) Those seedlings are dumb. Don’t they know there’s no hope for them? Don’t they know that there’s not enough food in the dirt packed into that crack to keep them all alive? Don’t they know that the first time it rains hard or the owners of that car drive really fast or THEY OPEN THEIR [insert expletive of your choice] TRUNK the entire ecosystem is going to be ripped apart?
The anger I felt at those little plants caught me off guard. I knew that I had been feeling all the telltale signs that I was slipping into a Depressive episode, but the fact that I saw them not as inspiring or beautiful, but as doomed and stupid said more to me than when I decided to go to bed hours earlier than usual last night simply because I didn’t want to think about anything anymore. More than the ten minutes I spent standing in the shower this morning, willing myself to keep moving. More than the way I keep ignoring audition notices. More than deciding not to see one of my favorite movies in 70mm because the idea of it stresses me out. More than the way every action I take has been a decision lately. Nothing spontaneously happens. It’s all an effort.
So, here’s to those stupid little seedlings. Thank you for reminding me that even though this funk feels like it’s going to last forever; it isn’t. That in a week or maybe a month I’ll be staring agape at Oregon’s beautiful sunsets, planning trips to climb mountains, and reveling in the simple joy of pushing my body to go faster and farther than it has before.
You are pretty stupid, though.
January 25th, 2015
This might sound sad, but it’s actually comforting to me.