There were days in February where I was a blank. Where my notes read things like “I worked. I can’t remember anything else.”
Since it was grief at losing my Mother that had me so disconnected, I decided to write about my memories of her on those days.
The biggest disagreement we ever had was whether I should marry my ex-wife or not and I don’t think that if Mom had lived to 100 she would have ever forgiven her for the way that ended up falling apart.
I miss her protectiveness. I miss my Mom.
Being okay with us possibly never speaking and feeling a sense of loss are not mutually exclusive. The hard disconnect between how I lived from 17-34 and who I am today is something I still struggle with, no matter how much healthier I am today.
Group therapy can teach you so much about yourself in the things you learn about someone else. Also, a few people out there definitely had to die in my brain before I could start over with them. That doesn’t mean we’re ever going to be close again, but they are fully not what they were before. And that’s a good thing.
I’ve always done my best to take the high road. I’ve often failed.
On the one hand, it can be hard to accept that my ex-wife’s “I don’t want to have kids” actually meant “I don’t want to have kids with you.” On the other, I would not change a goddamn thing.
Eventually you have to tell your friends all of the stories, whether you like them or not.
In June of 2014, I had what was not my first and certainly not my last suicidal period. Things were incredibly difficult, but with some help, I made it through. If you need help, it’s out there. Please, go find it. And if you can’t (and you know how to reach me), you can ask me and I’ll find it for you.
Don’t give up. Please.
Trying to be understanding, trying to help.
I just want everyone to learn from my mistakes. My stupid, stupid mistakes.
It’s good to know I still have a few of these up my sleeve.